


i'm so happy (to be stuck with you)

by walkinginthewinds



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Boyfriends, Bullet coffee, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Eating Disorder, dieting, protective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-22
Updated: 2017-04-22
Packaged: 2018-10-22 16:52:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10701129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/walkinginthewinds/pseuds/walkinginthewinds
Summary: “Bullet coffee,” Harry said, stretching out his long legs, his jeans ripped at his little bony knees. He scratched his stomach as the interviewer crossed her own legs, tilting her head with toothy smile. Louis rolled his eyes to himself. If only she knew two out of four of the boys she was talking to were gay, and the curly-haired boy she was desperately trying to flirt with had just made him come in the toilet down the hall. “‘ve been on it for like two days. I don’t get hungry anymore,” Harry said casually, like they were discussing the weather.Louis and Liam exchanged glances; and Louis felt himself get nervous, but he didn’t quite know why or how to handle it. His heart was beating rapidly, and he desperately wanted a glass of water."Bullet coffee?” he said, his thick accent unnaturally loud in the quiet hotel room. “What’s wrong with regular coffee? Or tea?”The interviewer laughed, along with Niall and Liam, and Harry smiled at Louis over Niall’s head.“You okay?” he mouthed.No, not really.Or the one where Harry drinks bullet coffee, and Louis worries.





	i'm so happy (to be stuck with you)

**Author's Note:**

> Storytime: I was hacked???  
> Just kidding. I've decided after a lot of thinking to repost most of my fics. I deleted them at 2am in an angry, emotional hizzy and then of course woke up full of regret. SO. Minus a few of the older ones that were never really good anyway, here are my fics again. I apologize for all the e-mails you've gotten from me today. I'm going to just pretend I'm not upset over the lost comments and kudos. I'm fine. Really! Totally fine. But here they are again! Thank you for all the love you have given me. I’m not as invested in fic writing as I’ve been in the past, but who knows if I’ll get back into it.
> 
> \--  
> I realize that the bullet coffee story wasn't what he thought it was, and I'm not claiming anything about the way Harry eats. This is just what I put together from the situation.

Louis was hyper in nature. His energy was constantly high, he was always moving, and he bounced from place to place with an excitable, puppy-like speed. The only time he slowed down, however, was around Harry. Harry was calm, tall, a safety net for Louis to fly over and not be afraid to fall. Harry was his everything. He was hyper-alert around Harry constantly, whether onstage or in interviews or even when they were thousands of miles away. He knew Harry. He knew when he was ill and when he was upset, or happy or excited. The two had watched each other grow up, going through puberty and love and loss. Louis had grown to be protective over Harry - hell, all of the boys were. He was the youngest, the most impressionable. During X Factor he was clumsy and shy and had a little baby fat. He was insecure and homesick and needed guidance sometimes. Louis adored him from the first week and wanted to keep him safe from anyone or anything that might want to hurt him. That didn’t change once they grew up.

And Harry truly had grown up.

Gone was the tiny, pale, insecure sixteen year old boy that Louis had fallen in love with. He was replaced by a tall, beautiful man with new stubble, long, curly hair almost at his armpits, a love for floral suits and weird patterns and high-heeled boots that made him appear to be over six feet tall. Harry was handsome, his baby-face still prominent but beautiful nonetheless. And he belonged to Louis. He was Louis’ baby. Louis watched him grow up physically and mentally, and he’d never been more proud to see his boy shine above the rest.

Harry still had baby fat. He had a tummy that he could never seem to get rid of, no matter how many sit ups he did at the gym. Louis loved it, though. He loved holding onto Harry’s hip chub when he spooned him from behind, liked holding it when there was a rare moment where he could wrap his arm around Harry’s hips in public. Harry hated these parts of his body, and he tried to hide them from wearing loose button-ups and baggy t-shirts and spending extra time in the gym. Louis went into his dressing room one day to find Harry lifting up his shirt and looking in the mirror at himself. “Sweetheart,” Louis frowned, wrapping his arms around Harry from behind while Harry slid his t-shirt over his head. “You look lovely, darling. So beautiful. Is this a new top?” He fingered the edge of Harry’s pale blue t-shirt, pulling Harry close to him while Harry tucked his head into Louis' shoulder, saying nothing, but Louis understood.

The boys were scheduled for a day full of promo, starting off with an interview, then a performance, then another radio interview, a short break, then a red carpet for iHeartRadio. The four of them were simply exhausted. Releasing _Made In The Am_ was exciting as hell, and they loved performing. But saying the same thing every damn interview was getting frustrating. Seeing the toll all this promo took on his boyfriend made Louis want nothing more than to lie in the bath with his boy in his arms.

While the four of them waited in Louis and Harry’s hotel room for their cars to arrive to take them to the first event, Louis took one look at Harry and could tell that he hadn’t slept at all the previous night. Harry kept rubbing his eyes, even though Lou kept scolding him, “I’ve _just_ finished your makeup, love, could you keep your hands down?” and frowning, yawning quietly every few minutes. Louis walked across the room, tucking Harry into his chest wordlessly and rubbing soothing circles into his back. Harry relaxed against his embrace, humming quietly. Louis eventually felt Harry start to doze off against him, his body getting heavier with every passing breath leaving his lips. He cradled Harry onto his lap on the sofa, brushing his fingers through his curly hair while he slept. Harry’s lips were full, dark circles blooming underneath his eyes despite Lou’s attempts at covering them with cakey makeup. He only had a few small pimples on his normally-flawless skin, probably due to the fact that he was so tired. Louis leaned back on the sofa, playing on his phone while he waited, his free hand still stroking soothingly into Harry’s hair. Liam and Niall eventually made their way into the room once Lou was done primping them, sitting on the couch opposite Louis and stretching out their own legs. Even Louis was too tired to bicker with Liam like he usually did; and he didn’t want to wake the boy sleeping on his lap.

Louis was about to doze off himself; Harry’s weight warm on his legs; but one of their guys came into the room, clapping his hands together and interrupting the peace of the hotel room. Louis jumped, blinking in confusion and looking around the room.

“S’time to get going, lads. There’s some heavy traffic so the car ride might take up to forty minutes. We better leave sooner than later. We’ve got a tight schedule today.” Louis didn’t recognize the man stood in the doorway, but it didn’t matter because he was gone as quick as he came, causing Louis to roll his eyes. Their management sucked.

Liam and Niall nodded and stood up, stretching and keeping up a professional facade even though all they wanted to do was snooze. Louis ignored everyone fluttering around them to prepare to leave, leaning down to press his lips on Harry’s warm skin.

“Hey, darling,” Louis whispered, stroking Harry’s broad shoulder blades. “Harry.”

It took a few moments, but Harry eventually blinked up at Louis, smiling sleepily. Louis chuckled, kissing Harry’s cheek.. “Hi, boo,” he said softly, trying his best to keep Harry relaxed. “We’ve got to get going now. You can rest in the car, okay?” He took out his hand, helping Harry stand up. Harry stretched his arms, nodding and kissing Louis' forehead.

“Sorry I fell asleep on you,” he whispered, actually looking upset. “Was I too heavy? You should have pushed me off.”

Louis chuckled, shaking his head and standing on his toes in order to kiss Harry’s chin. “You weigh nothing, Haz. Don’t even worry about it.”

Harry still looked troubled, but he looked more sleepy than anything. Louis opened his mouth, but a voice from outside the hotel room interrupted their exchange. “Harry, Louis, let’s get moving, please!”

Louis ignored the man once again, standing up and taking Harry’s hand in his - he looked dead on his feet. “C’mon, babes, move those long legs,” Louis said, wrapping an arm around Harry’s lower back and leading the two of them outside and into the SUV. As soon as the car hummed to life, Harry was passed out on Louis' shoulder.

 

The day was a whirlwind to say the least, and by the time they broke for lunch backstage of their second interview, Louis and Harry had barely had any alone time all day. Harry was playing on his phone sat in a makeup chair, his long legs spread open and his feet pigeon toed. He had on a black silk button down with the sleeves rolled up, buttoned to the middle of his chest, and his hair looked soft and quiffed. He looked up immediately, his grin dimpled and bright. He pulled Louis to him, wrapping his arms around his Adidas shirt-clad shoulders. “Hi,” Harry said softly, kissing Louis' nose. Louis smirked, stepping in between Harry’s thighs and hugging his waist. “Hey,” he replied. “Let’s go eat.”

Something flickered across Harry’s face. “Wanna eat you instead,” he said, biting down on Louis' neck, their groins brushing together. A mark was already beginning to form on Louis' skin, and he knew he’d get into shit for this.

“Babe,” Louis said cautiously, but he only pulled Harry closer, gripping his thighs. Harry ground against him, Louis' mouth opening slightly

“Let me suck you off,” Harry murmured, his eyes dark and his lips moving down Louis' chest. His hands made their way down Louis' arse, brushing over his cock teasingly, and Louis swallowed harshly, halfway deciding to bend Harry over backward and fuck him right then and there, but the door opened at the same second he opened his mouth.

“Pizzas!” Niall cheered, carrying enough boxes in to feed an army. Harry exhaled, his legs dropping from around Louis' hips and his head falling on Louis' shoulder with a chuckle. Louis tried to steady his breathing and the hard on he was spouting, his breaths shuddered a little.

“What kind of pizza you want, boo?” he said, squeezing Harry’s knee. The two sat on a love seat together, Harry’s hand finding a home on Louis' inner thigh. He leaned in close to Louis, pressing a kiss to his temple. Niall and Liam made exaggerated vomiting and retching sounds.

“I’m gonna head to the gym; there’s a Crossfit like a mile away from here. I’ll see you in a bit, yeah?” Harry was already standing up, squeezing Louis’ shoulder and smiling tightly. Louis frowned, holding onto Harry’s thin wrist.

“You’re not going to eat with us? I thought you were tired, baby?” he traced small circles with his thumb on Harry’s warm skin. “You need rest.” Harry was a health freak for sure, but he never went to the gym while they already had a busy day planned. Fitness was more of a hobby to him than a lifestyle. He liked keeping fit and looking good, but lately it seemed he was running himself too thin, literally.

“Babe,” Louis set down his plate as Harry gathered his bag, seeming to be completely ignoring Louis. Louis furrowed his brow, his heart beating much too quickly. He shifted so that his body faced Harry.

“I’m fine, baby. I slept the entire car ride,” Harry reminded Louis, bending down to kiss his cheek again. Louis still didn’t look convinced. He looked to Liam and Niall for help, but the two were suddenly very interested in figuring out the nutrition facts of the beers they were drinking. They’d learned a while ago not to get in the way when Louis and Harry were bickering - Louis fought like a pit bull.

“Be careful,” Louis said softly, so quietly only Harry could hear. Harry looked confused for a second, but his expression smoothed when he smiled at Louis. A terrible, gnawing feeling started at the pit of his belly, and he wanted to hold Harry and never let him go. But the boy was waving, and clearly didn’t notice Louis’ internal battle.

“See you soon, love.” And then Harry was gone.

 

 

Sleep. Sleep. Sleep was all Louis could think of. He brushed his teeth, showered and cleaned his face, and stripped to a clean pair of boxers as he collapsed back onto the hotel bed. It felt like hours ago when Harry woken him up gently to start their day.

“I’m so tired, Lou,” Harry said, his voice low and drawn out. He was still in his clothes from the iHeartRadio special; even his boots still on his feet. His body was star-fished on the bed, long legs and arms and hair fanned out. Louis climbed on top of him, pressing his lips to Harry’s forehead.

“You want to change?” Louis asked quietly, already unbuttoning Harry’s sheer green floral top. Harry groaned in reply, his hands rubbing Louis’ thighs as he straddled him.

Louis got Harry’s top off and, with some difficulty, his tight jeans and boots. Harry hummed, reaching out a hand for Louis to take. Louis grew slack-jawed at the sight before him. Harry’s tummy was gone. His little hip chub, gone. He looked pale and...skeletal. How had Louis not noticed earlier? What kind of boyfriend was he?

“I can suck you off or give you a handjob, but that’s pretty much it,” Harry yawned. “I’m fucking exhausted, sorry baby.”

Louis shook his head quickly, pulling Harry’s back against his chest and wrapping an arm around his thin body, as if he could possibly shield him from anything that threatened to hurt him while he was in bed.

“No need, love,” he said quietly, kissing Harry’s shoulder. “This is perfect.”

 

 

They didn’t talk about it directly for a few weeks, but Louis watched Harry carefully. He made mental notes of how many times Harry went out on runs or went to the gym, tried to be with Harry for most of the meals of the day, but he was careful not to seem too obvious about it. He was on some new diet - Harry had been reading his weird meditation/healthy mind/healthy body books, and now Harry was drinking some weird black coffee, mixed with coconut oil and butter. He drank it religiously, like water. “It doesn’t really taste good,” he’d wince after sipping it, but continued drinking it anyway. Louis would only chuckle and rub his back, their mouths opening against one another’s as Louis rubbed Harry through his jeans - they hadn’t had proper sex in ages. Harry’s breath constantly tasted of coffee.

 

 

“What’s wrong?” Harry asked his boyfriend quietly when they were out to dinner together. Louis had been staring off into space, and that “space” just happened to be Harry’s plate of food, still relatively untouched.

" _Boo_ ,” Harry sighed, reaching his hand across the table to brush at Louis’. It was a late Tuesday evening, so the restaurant was relatively empty - they were safe to touch each other if they wanted to. “You’ve been acting so strange these past few days. What’s on your mind?”

Louis swallowed down his beer, shrugging and avoiding Harry’s eyes. He leaned across the table to tuck a stray curl behind Harry’s ear, his fingertips electric on Harry’s cheek. Harry took Louis’ fingertips before he could pull away.

“S’nothing, love. You’re beautiful, you know that?” Louis said, stroking Harry’s cheekbones with his thumb. “The most handsome boy I know. Want you to always remember that.”

Harry’s eyes widened a little in surprise, but he blushed and looked at his plate, smiling softly. “Thanks, Lou,” he said, a little embarrassed. “What brought that on?” He looked up at Louis, still flushing a little. He reached his other hand across the table to take both of Louis’.

Louis just shrugged again. “Just wanted you to know.” He smiled at Harry, looking up when the waiter came over with the bill.

“Can I get you two anything else?” he asked, placing the leather folder down on the table.

“No, thank you. I’m stuffed,” Harry chuckled, reaching into his jacket for his wallet. Louis looked at his plate of pasta that looked like it had two bites taken out of it.

“Me as well,” Louis replied, forcing another smile. Everything seemed so forced these days.

 

 

“I’m so tired,” Harry complained, his voice hoarse and his nose red from blowing it so much the past day - he was offically sick. He flopped onto the couch next to Niall, resting his head on his shoulder. They’d just finished their Live Lounge performance, and Harry felt proper awful. He knew he sounded like shit, even though Louis and the crew had assured him that he sounded amazing. He had been on vocal rest the past two days, but it hadn’t done shit to help his voice.

“Oi, not on me, you’re sick!” Niall complained, shoving over with a laugh. Harry groaned, his head falling to the next available space on the couch.

“My head hurts,” he said quietly, his voice childlike. Niall rubbed his shoulders comfortingly, frowning.

“Want me to get Louis?” he asked helpfully. “Can I find you some soup and crackers, babes?”

“My stomach hurts, can’t eat anything,” Harry said weakly. He closed his eyes, running his hand up and down his flat stomach, wincing slightly at the rhythmic thudding inside his head. “Feel proper gross. Feel so dizzy, Ni.”

“Let me find Lou, hon, and then I’ll bring you some soup. Okay? Stay right here.” Niall kissed Harry’s sweaty forehead, Harry grunting in reply. He was too exhausted to move or speak, but Niall didn't seem to mind. He was already out the door, looking for Louis.

Harry was out before Louis and Niall even came back into the room.

 

 

“ _Harry, fuck, baby_ ,” Louis gasped, his head hitting the wall that his back rested on as he clutched on to the sink for dear life. “Oh, God, oh fuck.”

Harry gripped his thighs tighter, the sucking sounds getting louder with each lick. They were in some shitty bathroom before some shitty interview on a shitty, rainy London day. Louis' legs were wrapped around Harry’s neck as Harry ate him out, biting down on his thighs every few moments and wrapping a hand around his cock.

“Oh fuck, fuck, coming now,” Louis whimpered, his voice raspy and high-pitched. Harry groaned a reply as he continued to lick Louis out, gentler now, Louis was always so sensitive. He kissed Louis' thighs, admiring the light beard burn he’d left behind. Louis panted as he sat bare-arsed in a bathroom sink. He tilted his head back against the wall, swallowing harshly. “Fuck.”

“We have an interview in ten,” Harry said, brushing off his dirty knees, as if he’d just been praying rather than eating his boyfriend out in a public toilet. He kissed Louis' cheek, leaving the bathroom and shutting the door behind him before Louis could even realize what had just happened. What the  _fuck_?

 

 

“Bullet coffee,” Harry said, stretching out his long legs, his jeans ripped at his little bony knees. He scratched his stomach as the interviewer crossed her own legs, tilting her head with toothy smile. Louis rolled his eyes to himself. If only she knew two out of four of the boys she was talking to were gay, and the curly-haired boy she was desperately trying to flirt with had just made him come in the toilet down the hall. “‘ve been on it for like two days. I don’t get hungry anymore,” Harry said casually, like they were discussing the weather.

Louis and Liam exchanged glances; and Louis felt himself get nervous, but he didn’t quite know why or how to handle it. His heart was beating rapidly, and he desperately wanted a glass of water. “Bullet coffee?” he said, his thick accent unnaturally loud in the quiet hotel room. “What’s wrong with regular coffee? Or tea?”

The interviewer laughed, along with Niall and Liam, and Harry smiled at Louis over Niall’s head. “You okay?” he mouthed.

No, not really.

 

 

“Are you upset with me?” Harry asked in a low voice, his eyes sad. The four were on a plane to New York for their Good Morning America performance - they’d go on a weeklong break after. Louis had ignored Harry for the rest of the day after their last interview, and Harry was frustrated to say the least. Louis was too stubborn for his own good.

“No,” Louis replied, not looking up from his laptop. Harry and Louis were on one end of the plane; Niall and Liam asleep on the other. Usually Louis and Harry cuddled up and slept together on long flights, but right now they were both wide awake, seated in opposite seats, and Louis was acting like Harry didn’t even exist.

“You are angry with me,” Harry said, setting down his book that he wasn’t even reading. “Why, Lou? What did I do?” He ran his fingers through his bun, his hip bones poking out as his t-shirt rode up while his torso stretched. “What did I do wrong?”

Louis looked up at Harry, but he wished he hadn’t. There was nothing worse than seeing his baby upset, nothing.

Louis swallowed, closing his laptop and placing it carefully on the floor underneath his seat. He inhaled and exhaled for a few counts, rubbing his temple. His head was pounding.

Harry waited, tapping his fingers against his knees nervously. He hated this. He hated when Louis was angry, which was a rare occurrence when it came to him, but it did happen.

“You haven’t eaten in two days,” Louis said softly, his voice low and dangerous and broken. “Two fucking days.”

Harry looked down at his socks, closing his eyes tightly, as if that would make this all disappear. It didn’t; when he opened them again Louis was still staring at him. He looked tired, but not angry anymore, more...sad. He looked sad.

“Do you know how _dangerous_...how... _scared_ I was, to hear...fuck,” Louis looked away, tears leaking down his cheeks and into his palms. He wiped at his eyes furiously, shaking his head over and over. Harry had been starving himself and Louis, his _boyfriend_ , hadn’t even noticed. What kind of person was he? What kind of fuck-up...

“It’s not like that, please,” Harry said, leaning forward to grasp Louis' hands, and he was crying too. “Please let me explain. I wanted to tell you everything, I got nervous, and I...I didn’t, I wasn’t thinking, I’m sorry,” Harry realized too late that Louis had him in his arms, or maybe Louis was in his arms; they were tangled together so tight it was hard to tell when which man ended and when the other began. Harry rocked Louis, and Louis rubbed Harry’s back.

“Tell me,” Louis whispered, pulling away for a second to cradle Harry’s face. “Tell me what you’re doing to yourself, or so help me God...are you...are you starving yourself, Are you throwing up? Do you have an...an eating disorder?” _Fuck._ He wanted to hold Harry tightly in his arms, his heart breaking thinking of Harry ever being insecure or feeling less of himself. “You’ve been acting so strange, Harry, begging me to fuck you one minute and then not letting me touch you at all the next. I’m so fucking worried, Harry, so _fucking_ scared of you trying to hurt yourself on purpose, for whatever-”

“No! No, Lou, never. I’d never hurt myself, I promise,” Harry shook his head repeatedly, pulling Louis onto his lap, where Louis held him around his waist (his thin, thin waist) immediately, instinctively. It didn’t feel as normal as it should.

“Then tell me, fuck, Harry, tell me what this is about, tell me what you’re doing, because I don’t...you’ve lost weight, I _know_ you have, and you never eat around me or the boys, you’re always working out and drinking weird drinks and you never let me touch you or make you feel good anymore and I just want to know why, because you’re beautiful, Haz, so fucking beautiful.” Louis said firmly. “You’re so special, Harry Styles. The most special boy in the entire world. Please believe me.” His voice cracked on the last word and he willed himself not to start sobbing.

Harry let in a few shuddered breaths, nodding along with Louis. “I...I’ve been...” He looked down suddenly, one hand clutching Louis', drawing circles on his palm and avoiding Louis' piercing eyes, and then his words came out like vomit.  “I’ve been...I have been trying to lose weight, but just a little,” Harry continued, “tour is so...stressful, and there’s always a load of junk food, and I didn’t want to gain a ton of weight and have to work it all off because my doctor said my metabolism is slowing down, so I just...I just found a book that had all these recipes for drinks that make you full, and I lost...I lost twelve pounds, Lou, and I didn’t mean it; the pounds just came off; but Lou noticed because my shirts stopped fitting as well and I didn’t feel good about myself anymore and I got embarrassed, I’m sorry,” Harry was crying now, his face flushed. “Just want to be fit, Lou. I didn’t want to eat anymore. I wanted to be...I wanted to be perfect, but I didn’t know the cost was so big,” he sniffed loudly, hiding his face in shame.

Louis blinked a few times as he took this all in. He kissed Harry’s lips once, then his nose, then down his chest and around his neck, his cross necklace, his fingers and knees and thighs and even his elbows. He made sure to brush his lips on Harry’s tummy, his sides and his hips. Harry watched him as his tears eventually stopped flowing, and Louis held his face in his small hands, holding their foreheads together.

“You are the _most_ perfect,” Louis whispered, kissing Harry’s lips every few moments. Harry closed his eyes, tears leaking down his cheeks. “The very most perfect, wonderful, sweet angel in the entire world. I never, ever want you to think otherwise. Oh, Harry,” Louis sighed, tears leaking out of his eyes at the sight of the new tears streaming down his baby’s cheeks.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” Harry cried, shaking his head quickly, his curls bouncing. “I’m so sorry, Louis, I didn’t ever want to hurt you.”

“I know you didn’t,” Louis whispered, kissing Harry’s lips, firmer now. “Sweet boy, I know you never ever would hurt me. This is about you, petal. I’m going to take good care of you, okay?”

Harry sniffed, nodding his head.

“No more coffee,” Louis said quietly, firmly. “No more hurting yourself, no more dangerous diets. You’re so bony, pet, so thin. I need my boy healthy, okay? No more starving yourself. I can't have you hurting yourself, or starving yourself, or whatever. You're too precious for that, baby boy."

“Okay, I promise,” Harry nodded, his breaths evening out. “No more, I promise, Lou.”

“There’s my boy,” Louis sighed, holding Harry against his chest, Harry’s fingers holding onto Louis’ shirt. Harry's cheeks warmed with love for Louis, thankful he had such an amazing boy to look out for him. He might have been twelve pounds less than he usually was, but Harry was Louis’ perfect boy, and he was determined to shower him with love and affection, no matter what happened between them. They made each other strong.

  


**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos always appreciated xo


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